In 2005, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors passed a measure banning hand-guns. That ban was overturned in 2006 by the San Francisco County Superior Court Judge James Warren.. He said a local government cannot ban firearms because only the California legislature can regulate their sale and possession by state statute.

Undeterred by this setback, the Supervisors renewed their unconstitutional efforts with a new edict—called “Proposition H.” (It should be more appropriately named “Preparation H” so as to facilitate its insertion into the Body Politic). The measure which Mayor Gavin Newsome signed August 7, 2007 requires residents to keep; their guns in lock boxes or have trigger locks on them. The law makes it illegal to possess or sell firearms in the city and county and requires firearms dealers to submit an inventory to the Police Chief every six months. “The measure’s co-sponsors concede it will have little effect on the proliferation of illegal firearms,” the San Francisco Chronicle says, adding “officials did not say how they plan to enforce the lock box and trigger lock requirements but District Attorney Harris said once people are aweare of the new law they are going to follow it.”

There are many people in the United States who actually believe that California is still part of the United States.

To rectify this notion, I think it’s appropriate to offer a brief description of what are frequently described as “San Francisco values.” In recent months these have included:

Banning junior ROTC on high school campuses. Forbidding military recruitment on public high school and college campuses (How do you ask a soldier to be the last one to die for San Francisco?) Forbidding the establishment of a decommissioned battleship as a floating museum kto be anchored in San Francisco Bay. Issuance of marriage licenses by Mayor Gavin Newsome to homosexual couples in violation of California law. Passing a law that confers $410 a month to any homeless person who shows up and asks for it. (After thousands of addicted indigents poured into the downtown area, the resulting outcry forced the City Council to cut the payments to $59 a month). Allowing medical marijuana “clubs” which have become safe havens for local drug dealers (armed with medical marijuana cards which they use as “get out of jail free” passes every time they get arrested for pushing drugs on the street). Describing wireless internet services as “a basic right” (so says Mayor Newsom)—but not the constitutional right to keep and bear arms.

Does anyone see a pattern here?

Because I never wish to be accused of being culturally insensitive, let me offer a few initiatives to retain the constitutional rights that are guaranteed to San Franciscans but still be more palatable to the city fathers (oops, too sexist!). I mean to persons of all sexual orientations and trans-gendered differentiations.

Here goes:

All hand guns possessed in San Francisco are to be pastel colored and highly scented. All handguns are to be embellished with engravings commemorating the Stonewall Insurrection, Earth Day celebrations, homeless shelters, the 1969 anti-war moratorium and other iconography exposing the imperialistic, racist, sexist and warlike nature of the capitalist hegemonon called the United States).

San Francisco is a beautiful city located at the entrance to San Francisco Bay. As you leave, you might be tempted to turn around for one last glimpse as you bid it adieu.

Remember this temptation, lest ye be transformed into a pillar of salt.

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Frank Penn is a decorated veteran of Vietnam and a former Chicago police officer. He is a frequent participant in radio talk shows on WLS, WIND and WVON and a grassroots organizer for Republican political campaigns.