How long will it be before “The Chicago Sun-Times” ceases publication?

Judging from recent events, the end cannot be too far off. In addition to gutting its staff and eliminating the business section, the tabloid paper has been struggling to stave off insolvency by filling its pages with sleaze. How else can one explain the editorial decision to run another article about the narcissistic divorce attorney Corri D. Fetman?

Fetman, you may recall succeeded in embarrassing feminists and scandalizing the legal community by promoting her divorce law practice by posting a series of provocative billboard advertisements featuring scantily clad models and the caption that “Life’s Short. Get A Divorce.” The controversial and tacky advertisements managed to offend many people, men and women alike.

In one of the most salutary acts in his lengthy public career, former 42nd Ward Alderman Burton Natarus had Fetman’s tasteless and offensive billboards removed. The advertising was pulled not on account of its lascivious content, but due to the failure of the legal eagle to obtain the required permits for the signs. The billboards were pulled six months ago. Afterwards, Fetman attempted to portray herself as a martyred champion of the First Amendment while reaping a windfall of unpaid publicity. .

I am sorry to inform you that she is back. The bar association does not prohibit all forms of solicitation any longer.

In order to placate feminist critics, Fetman’s latest advertising assault upon common decency and community standards features the slogan “Take Control. Get A Divorce.” The woman depicted in the display photograph is attired in a dominatrix costume. The woman is in control, get it? I guess this makes things all better. According to the Sun-Times, Fetman has admitted that she is the buxom female model featured in the billboards and her male counterpart in the advertising is her “personal trainer.”

The media mad lawyer apparently was unable to gain admission to the California state bar (perhaps Gloria Allred had a lock on the Los Angeles celebrity mouthpiece racket), where such outrageous behavior is more commonly accepted, so she did the next best thing by baring her assets for Hugh Hefner. Fetman describes Playboy Magazine as “the premiere men’s magazine in the world.” Talk about politely euphemistic phrases! Who knew that posing for a magazine notorious for objectifying women could be so empowering? Apparently, that is the case if one follows Fetman’s perverse and twisted logic.

Some of Fetman’s former classmates from DePaul University, may be shocked to see how she has blossomed during the intervening years. I doubt that her extreme makeover is solely the result of long hours in the gym. Remarkably, according to the article filed by Steve Patterson of the Sun-Times, Fetman is only forty-four years old. It must have been some accomplishment to graduate from a four year college and a three year law school and be admitted to bar all before reaching the age of twenty-five. Of course, it is impolite to ask a woman her true age, so let’s pass on that item. Maybe the reporter miscounted.

Critics may find Fetman’s exhibitionism to be degrading, but she defends herself by saying that she should not be punished for “having brains and a body.” No argument on that count, but the practice of law has often been referred to not merely as an occupation, but as an honorable profession. At least that is the ideal to be strived for. Since Fetman has taken to promoting herself and her legal practice, I have been hearing more jokes about the oldest profession.

Fetman defends her actions as not being intended to degrade women and the legal profession by resorting to all manners of sophistry. Better still, her work for the magazine has an educational aspect. “The Lawyer of Love” is now available to dispense advice to the lovelorn. Somehow, I think depositing five cents in the can of Lucy Van Pelt, the “Peanuts” comic strip character who operated a psychiatrist stand frequented by Charlie Brown and Snoopy, might prove to be a more beneficial expenditure than paying for generic advice from the legal advisor to the Playboy Mansion.

Long years ago, I was attending a wake. One of the mourners who stopped at the funeral home to pay his respects was a respected judge of the circuit court of Cook county, who was assigned to divorce court. When I spoke to the judge, he offered me some solid professional advice: he told me to get out of domestic relations practice. He described himself as being trapped in his assignment, but he said that I was free to practice any type of law that I wanted to. His advice was to stay clear of divorce law. The judge is now deceased, but I think of him often and I heeded his counsel.

I wonder what his advice to Fetman would be? Likely, put on some clothes or get out,

________________________________

Attorney Daniel J. Kelley is a contributor to “The Chicago Daily Observer.”