To: J. Q. Public, Esq.
From: Executive Search Committee
Re: Chief Executive Officer position
Date: October 30, 2008

Need your immediate input on filling this position. Current executive officeholder due to retire shortly after the start of the new calendar year. Consider this job applicant carefully. Human resources department committee is completely divided on this employment application. Must reach a decision by Tuesday. Consider this report to be confidential. An HR investigator’s comments have been added to the original employment application.

(Post it note attachment):

What is our potential litigation exposure if the applicant is denied the position from an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission standpoint? Applicant has made (veiled) suggestions that he is fully prepared to initiate a formal complaint and make allegations claiming that applicant was subjected to race based discrimination if denied the position that the job applicant is currently seeking. Need to reach a decision by Tuesday. Consider this file to be confidential.

1. Applicant name: Bxxxxxx xx Oxxxx – S.S. # xxx-xx-xxxx.

1.(a) Former names (if any): Applicant denied using any other names.

Upon further investigation, however, it was learned that the applicant has used several different names early in his life, including different first and last names. In former times, the applicant used an “Anglicized” variant of his first name which was little more than a nickname. Significantly, the applicant has used different last names at different times which was attributable to his parent’s change in marital status (divorce and remarriage).

2. Age: 47.

2.(a): Gender: Male.

2.(b): Marital status (optional): Married with children.

3. Health: Excellent, per the applicant.

Applicant admitted a prior history of drug use, but claimed that this occurred solely as the result of his frustrated attempts to come to terms with his own identity. Denied continuing pattern of addictive or recreational drug use. Applicant refused to furnish medical records or to authorize the release of the records from his health care provider(s). He blamed his inability to obtain records on a “broken” healthcare system.

Additional comment: Applicant was raised in a broken home and eventually abandoned by both of his parents and raised by his maternal grandparents. His biological father was almost entirely absent from his life and his mother was also absent for significant periods of time while living abroad. He volunteered much of this information in a group interview setting without prompting from the interview committee panelists and argued that his personal trials and tribulations provided “a compelling narrative” which justified his immediate hiring.

Non-smoker: No.

(pencil footed entry): Psychological referral? Drug screening test recommended.

4. Position desired: Chief executive officer.

Additional comment: Refused entry level position as a management trainee. Wants to start tomorrow.

5. Work Eligibility: The applicant claims to be a legal resident of the country and to be fully able to hold an employment position in the USA.

Additional comments: The applicant has not, however, produced sufficient documentation or identification to verify his citizenship or nativity. Applicant attempted to use a certificate of birth registration obtained from a vital statistics department in Hawaii to settle this question. It should be noted that the document was not an original birth certificate, but simply the type of condensed, computer generated document which one might obtain from a Honolulu currency exchange. Regrettably, the certificate produced by the applicant is not an original document, but rather a copy of a scanned document posted on the Internet. Without applicant’s permission, it is not possible to obtain a comparison copy of his original birth certificate from Hawaii to verify the authenticity of the purported document.

6. Education: Applicant has attended various institutions of higher learning, including several notable colleges and universities (Occidental College, Columbia University and Harvard University). The applicant has obtained an undergraduate degree in international relations (political science) and graduate level degree in jurisprudence.

Unfortunately, under applicable higher education laws it has been completely impossible to verify all of the applicant’s grandiose claims regarding his academic standing, class rank, scholarship and high honors in adequate detail. Under existing laws, a prospective employer cannot request student transcripts, grade point average data and related records without the prior written consent of the student. The applicant has steadfastly refused to authorize the release of this information or to provide us with any transcripts which were issued to him personally. Accordingly, the only additional information available to the organization from the colleges and universities is the applicant’s name and dates of attendance.

Similarly, it has been impossible to determine whether or not the applicant obtained scholarship assistance to pay for his education. It is unclear whether or not the applicant has any unpaid student loans which would prohibit him from applying for the position.

7. Professional license(s): He formerly held a professional license, as an attorney, but he voluntarily surrendered the license. Several years ago, the applicant assumed inactive status and does not have a current license to practice law. In connection with the original license application, applicant failed to disclose previous use of different names. See # 1.(a) above.

Comment: A cursory search of public records suggests that the applicant did not have extensive litigation experience as an attorney. Nevertheless, he always chooses to identify himself as a lawyer.

8. Publication(s): As indicated above, none of the applicant’s purported academic scholarship has been provided by the individual. The academic institutions listed in # 6 above declined to provide copies of scholarly papers, theses or journal articles written by the individual. The applicant disclosed that he has authored two autobiographical books about himself.

9. Military service/veteran’s employment preference: Not applicable.

10. Private sector employment: Minimal. The applicant made repeated reference to the valuable work experience he gained while serving ice cream cones to the public at a Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors store.
In total, the applicant was employed scooping ice cream for less than four months. Apparently, this was summer employment. Attempt to verify this employment was successful. Initially, the store manager did not recognize the applicant when telephone contact was made, but then was able to recall the applicant as having been known by a different first and last name when he worked at the store. Applicant’s efforts to unionize the counter staff were unsuccessful.

(Handwritten addition to report): Applicant angrily described this workplace as something akin to the factories and meat processing plants described in the literary works of Charles Dickens and Upton Sinclair.
Applicant was required to wear an apron and a paper hat. Ice cream servers were required to wash their hands regularly and to treat customers with courtesy. The applicant complained that these harrowing experiences left him with a pronounced hatred of the horrors of modern capitalism as practiced in the USA. In total, the applicant was employed scooping ice cream for less than four months. Apparently, this was summertime employment between school semesters.

11. Part time employment: Applicant has lectured on a part-time basis at a prestigious university on constitutional law. Verified, but applicant’s claim to be a full-time, tenured faculty member were unsubstantiated exaggerations. Applicant failed to produce any significant academic scholarship. He has also worked on a part-time basis in various elected bodies. In state capital, he worked two days per week on average when the legislature was in session. In Washington, worked less than one hundred and fifty days before seeking a higher office. He previously promised not to leave current D.C. position to seek an immediate promotion elsewhere, but applicant quickly became dissatisfied and broke his pledge and began interviewing for alternative employment almost immediately upon his arrival.

Comment: Negligible record of accomplishment made it difficult to assess applicant’s value to previous employer organizations. Applicant’s primary motivations seemed to relate to pay, prestige and perks. He enjoys holding largely honorific job titles, but is not noted for a strong work ethic.

12. Languages: Although the applicant has stressed the importance of foreign languages for others, in actuality he is not proficient in any language other than English.

13. References: Numerous personal references have been received. Conflicting reports as to the quality of both the referrals and the persons making the endorsements. One key person was unavailable to contact regarding a personal reference due to his being incarcerated. Confirmed: R. Bruce Dold. R. Durbin. A. Giannoulias. Unavailable: A. Rezko, Wm. Ayers.

(Handwritten entry): It seems astonishing that virtually none of the applicant’s former college and university classmates could be located to discuss applicant. Family members off limits to HR investigator.

14. (Optional): Minority status: yes. Qualified to help meet organizational diversity goals.

Miscellaneous:

Commitment to diversity: The applicant claims to have traveled widely and to have obtained a familiarity with various foreign nations and cultures. Interestingly, the applicant indicated that he has traveled widely to various nations that are not ordinarily open to civilian travelers from the USA.

Community involvement: Applicant claimed to be active in his community particularly in his former church, but could not recall anything specific from attending weekly services. Interested in community organizing and local politics.

(Handwritten entry): religious preference? Optional interview question—declined to answer clearly. Specifically requested that organization not contact his former minister, whom he politely described as “a crazy old uncle” prone to making “inappropriate” comments.

Has served on various charitable and educational boards with other persons that reside in his neighborhood.

(Paper clip attachment): Other leading candidate to fill position is a senior citizen who qualifies for veteran’s preference points. Decorated former naval officer. Potential drawbacks: Potential age discrimination issues if he is denied position despite superior life experience and career qualifications. Concerns have been expressed that applicant may be a short term, interim hire. Sometimes displays a “grouchy” personal demeanor.

Daniel J. Kelley is a regular contributor to “The Chicago Daily Observer.”