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Things I Learned this Year

Don Rose 31 October 2012 2 Comments

Late last week I learned that Mitt Romney’s surge or “momentum” was stopped in its tracks. While some national polls gave the Republican an edge, Barack Obama’s two recent debate wins seem to have started him on the road to recovery—especially in the swing states that still portend an Electoral College victory. It is too early to call this uptick for Obama a “trend,” and the situation remains volatile enough to reverse itself, but at the moment I would rather be in Obama’s shoes than in his challenger’s.

I also learned that contrary to popular opinion, you can be all things to all people. Romney is riding pretty high having shown himself in the past year to be both Tea Partier and Massachusetts Moderate; hawk and dove; against the 47 percent and for the 99 percent; pro-choice, anti-choice and multiple choice; against the auto industry bailout and the progenitor of same; sharp opponent of Obama’s foreign policy and a Xerox copy thereof, all at once. He has more facets than the Hope diamond and more positions than the Kama Sutra.

But his fellow Republicans taught me much more in the fields of science, gynecology, theology and culinary arts.

Dr. Todd Akin (R-MO) taught me that women have the amazing ability to automatically shut down the process of fertilization and conception when they have been “legitimately” raped. Ignorant me, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as “legitimate” rape, let alone understand this biological blessing.

Then Rev. Richard Mourdock (R-IN) explained to me that rape—legitimate or otherwise—and any pregnancy that results, is all God’s will. Just like war, famine and the Cubs losing.

But here we have a typical conflict between theology and science, because the rape victim’s wondrous ability to prevent fertilization of her ovum was supposed to prevent that pregnancy. Or perhaps the two can be reconciled by explaining that sometimes God wills this fabulous female mechanism to work and at other times He doesn’t. His ways are as multifarious as Romney’s.

I am also grateful for Dr. Joe Walsh’s (R-IL) reassurance that pregnancies, ectopic or otherwise, whether caused by a rapist or a matrimonial partner, present no threat to the life or health of the mother. It appears those many unfortunate women who were said to have died in childbirth were misdiagnosed.

On a happier note, Chef Sharon Angle (R-NV), the Martha Stewart of rape, offers a simple recipe: if you somehow consider rape to be a lemon in your life, even if God’s will, just make lemonade out of it, sip it through the rest of your pregnancy and perhaps offer a little to your rapist’s child when weaning him or her.

Finally, I am especially grateful for lessons learned from that eminent geographer/cartographer, Prof. Donald Trump (R-Uranus), who remapped the nation by nullifying its annexation powers and undid Hawaii’s statehood, thereby exposing our president as an illegal alien—and a lousy scholar who was elected president of the Harvard Law Review through vote fraud. That’s Chicago politics for you.

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Don Rose is a regular columnist for the Chicago Daily Observer
image that’s actually Pete Rose, not Don Rose, with Fred Lynn

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