Just when you thought it was impossible for the sordid tale of the pawn broker, the prostitute and the Democratic nomination to get any more ridiculous, Amanda Eneman, the massage therapist who was convicted of prostitution following her entry of a guilty plea in a 2005 misdemeanor case, has chosen to be represented by celebrity attorney, Gloria Allred.

Allred, whose love of television cameras and radio microphones rivals that of the ubiquitous Reverend Jesse Jackson, denounced Scott Lee Cohen on behalf of her client and repeated the masseuse’s claim that he was unfit to hold public office. Cohen previously denied the veracity of the domestic battery allegations that were filed against him by Eneman in 2005. The charges were dropped when Eneman failed to appear in court as the complaining witness. Cohen had claimed that his relationship with his former live in girlfriend soured after she trashed his apartment. He also denied knowledge of her prostitution arrest by an undercover Glenview police officer.

Prior to her media drive by, Allred was addressing the all-important issue of preventing violence against women in Los Angeles. This is a worthwhile objective for any self-styled feminist warrior, to quote Allred’s typically modest description of herself. At a press conference, Allred introduced herself and her client, Veronica Siwik-Daniels, a former porno star, who counted herself as one of the dearly beloved mistresses in the stable of the disgraced professional golfer Tiger Woods. Woods temporarily vanished from the public view after his angry wife chased him from their marital home wielding a golf club. Allred immediately popped up as the attorney and spokesperson for Rachel Uchitel, another of Tiger’s love interests.

Creative Classics, a manufacturer of novelty items decided to make a quick buck out of the tabloid scandal by selling golf balls with cartoon caricatures of some of Woods’ paramours. According to Allred and her client, the act of striking a golf ball with a cartoon printed on the cover is the equivalent of “using a woman’s face for target practice.”

Personally, I would prefer to be driving a Titleist. It has been my experience, however, that hitting golf balls has undoubtedly helped myself and many other people, men and women alike, enjoy hours of rest and recreation that probably prevented us from hitting other people.

Nevertheless, Allred claimed that putting a cartoon on the cover of a golf ball “which a golfer may swing at with full force may increase the risk of harm to women.” Moreover, “playing a round of golf using this balls may leave marks resembling bruises on the face of the ball which may lead to inappropriate jokes about hitting women.” She demanded that the manufacturer cease and desist.

Can you say “sophistry” children? I knew you could.

Taking Allred’s bizarre reasoning to its logical extreme, duffers who hit a novelty golf ball out of bounds are probably more likely to abandon their wives and girlfriends. Those pranksters who substitute a talcum powder golf ball for a friend’s actual ball on the tee are probably more likely to engage in acts of terrorism involving dirty bombs and explosives.

By the way, while we are on the subject of the exploitation and objectification of women isn’t possible that pornography and prostitution degrade women? Perhaps some of the juvenile jokes told by some aging adolescents whose idea of a good time on the golf course consists of repeating dialogue from the movie “Caddyshack” every other weekend are less harmful than the activities engaged in by Allred’s clients.

What is unclear is what exact type of legal services and representation Allred provided to Eneman? All of the nasty jurisdictional acts in question appear to have taken place in Illinois.

And that is a problem.

Allred is not licensed to practice law in Illinois. An examination of the Master Roll of Attorneys maintained by the Clerk of the Supreme Court of Illinois failed to disclose her name as being enrolled as of yesterday or today.

Engaging in the unauthorized practice of law is a serious matter. State bar committees can be quite parochial about such matters. Allred is a graduate of the Loyola Law School in Los Angeles and a member of the State Bar of California.

Bar admission matters are handled on a state by state basis. It is one of those residual practices associated with state sovereignty and federalism. Being a licensed member in good standing in one state jurisdiction does not automatically entitle a lawyer to reciprocal privileges to practice law elsewhere.

Hopefully, within a few days time, all of this will be forgotten. I have more important things to do like visiting the driving range in preparation for the upcoming Winter Golf Shootout. I will try not to think of Gloria Allred or her virtuous clients while I am swinging at full force for fear that I might miss the shot while laughing at Allred’s latest foray into defending practitioners of the oldest profession while embarrassing some of us in the legal profession.

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Daniel J. Kelley is a recovering lawyer and a long suffering golf enthusiast. He is also a regular contributor to “The Chicago Daily Observer.”